


Not Moving On, But Moving Forwards

by GayAquarius



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Baby Steven, Babysitting, Complicated Relationships, Coping, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, Kissing, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Pre-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayAquarius/pseuds/GayAquarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rose disappeared, Pearl felt as if she'd never love again. Her budding feelings towards Garnet say differently... and Pearl can't help but feel like she's wrong for having said feelings for anyone other than Rose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Moving On, But Moving Forwards

**Author's Note:**

> This is a similar concept to my fanfic "Loss". The Pearlnet is more outright and there's no suicidal thoughts, though. Overall, despite the fact this fic has some internal conflict, it's more lighthearted. Also, even though it's probably obvious from the description... the RosePearl is from the past. Pearl most definitely had very strong, romantic feelings for Rose but Rose is unfortunately no longer around in this fic.

To say I’ve been sad since Rose gave up her physical form for Steven is a dire understatement. There’s no word in the English language that feels quite strong enough to sum up how it makes me feel, but “distraught” comes pretty close.

I’ve been a mess. My thoughts, my actions, my entire being has been thrown out of sync. I’ve become lethargic. Too depressed for missions. I’ve resigned to be Steven’s babysitter in recent times while Garnet and Amethyst do the missions. 

In some ways, it’s nice not to have to be constantly on the go, my mind in razor sharp conditions. But in other ways, this is worse.

Being around a human that’s like Rose but isn’t is disorienting. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that in a way, he  _ is  _ Rose. Right now, he’s being good. Sleeping in his crib. I watch him. I can’t deny that he’s pretty cute, but if I look at him for too long I’m reminded of the grief that continues to haunt me.

After some time, Steven begins to stir. When he awakens, I take him out of his crib. I retrieve a bottle and sit on the couch with Steven in my lap. I give him the bottle, and he drinks from it. Humans are truly strange, but I need to accommodate Steven’s odd needs. I can’t say I’m unhappy that gems have no need for food.

“Are you here, Rose? Are you still around in any form, even if it’s through Steven?” I feel crazy, talking to the baby as if he’s going to tell me that Rose’s presence still remains… but I can’t stop. “Rose… you know how much I loved you, right? I loved you more than life itself. I’m sure I made that obvious, right?”

Steven eventually is satisfied and full. I take the bottle away and continue to sit with him on the couch. He’s still behaving well, not making a big fuss. 

“Rose… not only did I love you, I was  _ in  _ love with you. Even when you chose Greg, I couldn’t move on. And I thought that once you disappeared… I’d never feel that way about anyone ever again. But…”

The warp pad activates and I nearly toss Steven off my lap as I jump in place. I can’t help but resent that my opportunity to vent my thoughts out loud to someone who wouldn’t understand them was cut short. Amethyst comes running.

“Hiya, Pearl! So, when are you going to join us on missions again?” Her tone is lighthearted, but I sense the annoyance behind it. I can’t blame Amethyst for feeling this way. My insistence on staying back to babysit rather than leaving the duty to Steven’s father was holding us back.

“Amethyst…” Garnet doesn’t say anything more than her name, but the way she says it speaks a thousand words.

“Anyway, I’m going back to my room. I’ll give you lovebirds some alone time,” Amethyst says.

Before I had the chance to chide Amethyst, she zoomed away in an instant. My cheeks feel warm at her comment, even if it was in jest. They go from lukewarm to on fire when Garnet sits next to me. She looks forward, a somewhat blank look on her face. I bounce Steven up and down on my knee.

“Now, why would Amethyst joke about us being lovebirds?” I utter. I realized after the fact that my attempt at covering my tracks only made me more obvious. She may not be Rose, but there’s something about Garnet that leaves me flustered. Garnet only shrugs.

“You know how Amethyst is.”

“Right.”

“Can I see Steven?” Garnet asks. I wordlessly hand him off to her. She lifts him up, making funny faces at him. Steven begins to laugh at the unexpected goofiness, and I have to avert my eyes. I can’t watch. It’s too cute, and it’ll only make my situation worse.

Eventually, she puts Steven back in his crib. Once she does, she comes back to the couch. It’s unexpected, and I’m not sure  _ what  _ to do.

“So, Garnet, how are y-” I can’t finish my sentence. I’m cut off.

“Pearl, I know that you have feelings for me.” The tone is Sapphire, but the words are Ruby. Her blunt statement with no wiggle room left me speechless.

“Wh-what? N-no! I mean, you’re a great gem, but I don’t-” Once again, she interrupts me in a way very atypical of Garnet.

“You don’t need to lie. I saw it with my future vision. I saw a future where you admitted your feelings for me, but things fell apart because you felt guilty for replacing Rose. Even if you weren’t officially with Rose, you don’t want anyone to take her place. Am I wrong?”

My lack of response says everything it needs to.

“I understand why you feel the way you do, Pearl… but Rose wouldn’t have wanted you to be hung up on her forever.”

While I cannot deny what Garnet just said, I still don’t feel right about it. Rose was too important for me to ever move on from. Even if she wouldn’t have wanted me to keep harping on her for all of eternity, even if she would have supported a relationship between Garnet and I… I couldn’t work past the idea that this isn’t right of me to do.

I take a deep breath, and hope my cheeks aren’t too vibrantly blue. “So… why do you bring this up?” There’s a smirk on Garnet’s face after I ask this. It contrasts with her typical neutral facial expression drastically. She scoots closer to me on the couch.

“I’m sure you can figure that out.”

I look into her eyes, covered by shades. She’s still smiling. I realize what her words mean, and I’m not sure how to proceed.

“Garnet, I…”

“What do you want, Pearl?” Her words are friendly, almost teasing.

_ You. _

I lean towards her, inviting her in. Garnet leans towards me. I know where this is going. I bridge the gap between our faces. When our lips lock, it feels like a surge of electricity shoots through me. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if this is what I should do. But it feels so right.

Before I have the chance to work all of this out in my mind, we’re interrupted by Steven’s crying. We pull apart. I resisted like ripping apart velcro. Garnet continues to grin.

“I suppose I should do something about that.” 

She stands up, and I remain seated. I can’t help but feel a bitter sense of disappointment that the beautiful if not confusing moment I shared with Garnet is now over. As if Garnet read my mind, she stops in place. She crouches down and puts her hand under my chin, lifting my head so I was looking right at her.

“I foresee more of that happening in the future, by the way.”

After casually telling me this like it was nothing, she walks away to attend to Steven, and I’m left with my own very confusing thoughts.

Even though I’d never fully move on from Rose, maybe I could learn to be happy again someday. 

Eventually.


End file.
